THIS JOY TOO SHALL PASS
Not all pessimism is the same
Hey, you. Did I ever tell you about my relationship with pain? It’s sort of like my relationship with fear, physical insecurity, and letting go in that it’s not a healthy one. What can I say? It’s like i’m on an emotional app of my life called “Cringe,” and I clearly have a type. I like the bad boy traits that leave you frustrated, exhausted, and single-handedly keeping the Self-Help section of bookstores alive. Last month I watched myself, go from on high, to mid, to low in a way that caused me to look a little deeper into what was going on. I ended up having more understanding and compassion for myself in a way that got these hands back to typing and talking to you.
If you’ve been keeping up with my shenanigans, you might recall that I wrote a play that centers on some of the loss I’ve gone through in my life. It’s 80 minutes of me on stage being as honest and vulnerable as I can, to leave an audience filled with hope and a better understanding about grief. The play debuted here in LA last year and my team and I did a second run last month. I can’t tell you how proud and grateful I was to do the show again. Audiences loved it. Once again I was encouraged to continue doing the show and perform it in as many places possible. Within four days of the final performance, I went into a depression. Oh the grief that comes when closing a show about grief.
Doing my own show gave me complete freedom over my creativity and performance. I was not at the mercy of a casting director determining whether I could possibly fulfill a need for a character; and if I could, being then at the mercy of the director to see if they agree with casting. For 4 performances, I’ve had the privilege of putting my all into an art form I love and telling a story that’s mine and matters. When there’s no show, I’m back at the crossroads of my industry which is somewhere between hit the pavement and cross your fingers. Please don’t misunderstand. I LOVE what I do…and the day-to-day hustle can be challenging.
I didn’t fight the melancholy. I was honest about it. I sat with it. I felt it until it fueled visions and new ideas of where I wanted to take the show in the future. Slowly my feelings of “ugh” turned into feelings of “joy.” Joy for possibilities. Joy for future audiences and partnerships. Joy for making a difference and feeling purposeful. What delicious elixir did I use as a chaser to that new found joy? A good ol’ shot of pain; wisdom tooth extraction to be exact. That’s right. 16 days after the closing of my show I had my final two remaining wisdom teeth removed. Due to the complications from my last extractions, did my dentists take precautions to prevent any potential issues with the current procedure? They did. Did I still have problems? Yes. Yes I did. Dry socket…again. Gum tissue that wasn’t healing and had to be cut away. Sinus pressure. So much more bruising. Not one but two rounds of antibiotics.
The joy I had found quickly turned into malaise. All I could focus on was mitigating pain and infection. I became a couch potato but without chips or ice- cream because no crunchy crumbly or ice cold foods were allowed. My social life consisted of frequent trips to the dentist office, texting and the occasional Zoom call. One of those Zoom calls proved to be illuminating.
I was on the call with a colleague and we were clearing, or brain dumping if you will, about everything getting in the way of where we wanted to focus our time and energy. With swollen gums and soreness, you can guess what I was rambling about. At some point I said, “Every time I have a moment of reprieve from crazy life shit and can focus on things I really love, something happens that completely ruins it. I know there is the constant ebb and flow of life and yet if feels like the flow gets stuck in one direction too long. You know how people say, ‘ this too shall pass?’ For me, it’s more like, ‘this joy too shall pass.’ If the body truly keeps a score, I am winning at the game of pain.”
Later that night when I was in bed, I thought about that. The gremlin voice inside of me tried to lecture me on what a pessimistic view of life I had. Then to my surprise, I came to my own rescue. I heard another voice say, “Not only is that not true, it’s not fair. Let’s look at the game of Monopoly, which you love. When you get to choose your favorite piece to play with, own the properties and utilities that other players frequently land on, get all the good Chance cards, boy what a fun game! Sure you might have a few set backs every now and then and may even have to pay other people sometimes, but for the most part you own that board and it feels pretty damn good. The Monopoly that is your life has been quite a different adventure. You definitely didn’t start off playing with your favorite piece, in fact you had to play with a piece from a different game all together because in this version there are no “freebies” though there’s no real explanation for how other people got their pieces. I’m sure it probably says how somewhere in the rules that you’re not allowed to read, but hey, you are still allowed to play so lots to be grateful for. You have certainly had some sweet rewards with those Chance/Community Chest cards but compared to the amount of times you’ve owed or didn’t get to pass go it’s not surprising that it doesn’t feel that way. What’s the point in owning anything if people are just going to try and haggle, ignore, or negotiate a way out of treating and paying you what you’re worth? It’s no wonder why sometimes you think just watching other people play seems like the better option; it’s a safer one for sure. And yet..”
I am what they call a Defensive Pessimist. Trauma and experiences have wired my brain and body to be hyper-vigilante to what could go wrong because a lot of things have indeed gone wrong. I’m not talking about missing the bus or forgetting to turn on the alarm kind of things. I’ve been through a lot of life altering moments and before you comment about that not making me special, I agree. A lot of people go through a lot of shit. The grief I encountered was so frequent and compounded that many people in my sphere to this day have yet to experience anything like it. That in itself is very isolating. It’s part of the reason I wrote my play. I don’t want anyone to feel unnecessarily alone.
What I know about me is that I’m not a quitter. I don’t want to rob my body of the pleasure of playing a game, I just want to introduce a new one. I’d love to get rid of my Cringe app but I’m not sure I can. Fear, insecurity, letting go, and pain all think i’m sexy and I get that. However, I can view their profile maybe even chat a little without full on dating them.
I want a serious relationship with Joy. I don’t think it can be a monogamous one because pain and I are trauma bonded, and that’s okay. I just want to make Joy the center of attention which may require me to look for a new game. I’d be okay with that. I do love basketball a great deal. I know what you’re thinking, but I am very tall on the inside. I want to be unstoppable and with my husband, kids, family and friends at my side, I don’t think I can lose. Besides, I’d much rather be a team player than to fly life solo.
**Everything I write comes from my personal insights and has all the drippings of my opinions, biases, and what-nots. Rather than come for me with facts or judgements to contradict my said opinions, biases and what-nots, I’d rather you find a different blog that makes you happy. If you find these posts therapeutic or helpful in any way that means we connected and it’s all I can ask for, however I’m not a therapist nor a coach. I’m just a writer floating words out there hoping they find the person they are intended for.