Hey, you. Did I ever tell you why I became an actor? You’re right, that was a trick question because, as I’ve stated previously, I’m not sure you “become” an artist. I feel like it’s one of those “power-up” tools you get in a video game. Depending on the level you’re on and circumstances you’re in, you can choose to use it or not or just keep it in your arsenal, but it never goes away. I have been a creative person my whole life, meaning everything I see or my first instincts in how I approach something is through a creative lens. It’s how I make sense of things. I was on the 9th grade level of life when my “power-up” tool became available. I watched the movie The Godfather and the rest is history, as they say or art history as I say.
Up until that time, The Color Purple was the only movie I can think of that stuck with me in a deep way but that made sense to me though. So many of the characters reminded me of relatives and I related to Celie a lot. Oh, before I forget, for those of you who are younger than me, (and not really into things beyond your own generation), I’m speaking about the 1985 version of The Color Purple. I know, right? Like, can you believe they made, like, movies in 1985? Anyhoo…I related a lot to Celie because she was constantly referred to as ugly, dumb, worthless and buys into that for a long time, until the day she realizes her worth and stands up for herself and takes her power back. If you’ve ever seen the movie, that dinner table scene towards the end is my personal battle cry when I need to gather strength. Whoopi Goldberg is masterful in that movie. Her performance is beyond Oscar worthy, of course she didn’t win the academy award that year. Instead, she won it for Ghost because the sassy black “..Molly you in danger, girl..” friend is way less threatening than a black woman standing up for herself (huge sigh).
What made the Coleone family different is that they too stuck to me in a deep way and it didn’t make sense. How did a mid-western black girl become so intrigued by this Italian mafia family? They had a father who was revered and feared. A mother adored. Siblings who loved each other deeply but followed a hierarchal system wherein the girl of the family was treated as a delicate creature who had no business being a part of the family business, (and yet later becomes quite the force to be reckoned with. “Okay, Connie. we see you, girl” she said in her sassy black friend voice shamelessly vying for an award). These were all themes I related to. That was the thing. How was that possible? Two worlds so far apart and next to each other at the same time. I bought into their world. I bought into their acting. I rooted for them even though they were deeply flawed because they were merely humans. Alright, they were wealthy and powerful which was completely the opposite of my family. If you wanted to see a poor family struggle, you just watched Rosanne or Good Times for that (by the by, Good Times turned out to be false advertising because it was anything but on that show). I wanted to make people feel like I did watching that movie. I wanted to play characters that people in different parts of the world, different circumstances still found something they relatable they could see within themselves. I got the sense of the power of art and how it could impact people. I wanted to do that. I jumped on the artist train after that and never looked back.
Three weeks ago I hurt my back. I haven’t been able to do much physically since then. My focus has mostly been centered around my husband and kids since they have been more directly impacted by my injury than anyone else. Yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen rubbing my back while I debated on what to have for lunch and I had this thought, “Should I have pursued a different path and ignored this skill, this gift?” Part of me knew that some of this line of questioning just had to do with the fact that I hadn’t been able to pursue opportunities because of my injury. I’m in a line of business where you kind of have to chase the work until you’re lucky enough to become a known name like: Streep, Cruise or Davis, and then the work chases you (I know what you’re thinking, “But wait, your last name is Davis!” I know but sometimes you have to have a successful first name too, damn you, Viola!). Maybe I should have gone into a more steady line of work, like some of those personality tests I’ve taken have pointed to: Police officer, executive, politician (Ugh. Just kill me now). In other words, are the pursuit of my creative endeavors worth it?
There is nothing linear about what I do. You can book 12 gigs in a year and that’s considered consistent. You can book 1 gig a year and that’s consistent. You can book 15 gigs a year, not work for 2 years, then book a gig that more than makes up for the 2 years you didn’t work, and that’s consistent. It’s a wild ride, one that my husband doesn’t mind being on with me because he’s in the same business. It is however, not a ride my children asked for. That’s really what made me unwrap this whole gift thing.
There is a cost for me doing what I do. My children have to see the hoops I jump through for the 2- 5 mins I get to be in front of someone hoping I’m the solution for a role they need to fill. As an actor, the bulk of your work is getting asked to be in the room to be able to audition for a part. Booking the part is the cherry. I liken it to when you learn all the steps and moving parts it takes for a sperm to fertilize an egg. There are so many things that have to align and happen, it’s a wonder a baby gets made at all. I have had wonderful experiences on set. I have had awful experiences. I have been elated over a booking and crushed by rejection many many times. As I shared with you, I’ve been on this path since I was 14 years old, if I had chosen to stay at a corporate job, surely I’d have a lot more to show for it by now. How do I justify my choices here?
What came up for me was my daughter having to make a really tough decision last month. She started her high school career with advance classes, an AP class, and a musician in the marching band. She decided to add on a sport too, cause why not? Now, Peter and I knew it was quite the load but we didn’t want to assume what she could and could not handle. There came a point last month where she decided something had to give. She was overwhelmed and feeling anxious about her academic success. She wasn’t happy. After weighing the pros/cons, she decided to let go of band, something she had done for 4 years. Full disclosure, I was disappointed. I loved being a band mom. She played several different instruments and did well. It was impressive to see her put her all into it. I struggled with the fact that she made a commitment and wasn’t my job as a parent to make her honor it? This might seem dramatic, but I thought about her future in the work force. As much as I believe in honoring a commitment, I have seen and known too many people that stayed at a job that they hated for years because that was safer than exploring unknown territory or worse, avoiding what they really loved out of fear of failing. That wasn’t something I wanted for my daughter. She made an informed decision based on the fact that something no longer served her. More importantly, she had the right to change her mind. Who knows what other gifts she can now unlock at this level of her life because she had the awareness to know that she needed something different.
That’s the thing about gifts. When we fully embrace them, everyone benefits from it. Yes, I know there are tons of people who do what I do, but not like me. They can’t see things from my perspective or my viewpoints because they are mine. Just like no one can do what you do, like you do it, because there is no one like you. Where things get mundane, boring, and unoriginal is when we sacrifice our gifts for a version of us we think the world wants to see.
Animals, insects, nature, they all get it. I have yet to see a bee try to be anything other than a bee. Nature shows us time and time again how delicate our eco system is so why do we have this inclination to fuck things up?
Listen, I don’t make light of the fact that we have to survive. I know that. I am not telling you this so you can throw caution to the wind. I enjoy having stability, make no mistake about that. Peter will tell you, that security is my love language. Still, I have yet to find a way of making a living that matches the way I feel as an artist. I apologize for the mislabeled title of this blog. I think embracing what you love gives you light and running away diminishes it. When I am performing, I feel..well..honestly, I feel anxious, elated, maybe a slight tinge of nausea, but mostly at home, which is how I want my children to feel when they share their gifts with the world. I think I can justify that.
**Everything I write comes from my personal insights and has all the drippings of my opinions, biases, and what-nots. Rather than come for me with facts or judgements to contradict my said opinions, biases and what-nots, I’d rather you find a different blog that makes you happy. If you find these posts therapeutic or helpful in anyway that means we connected and it’s all I can ask for, however I’m not a therapist nor a coach. I’m just a writer floating words out there hoping they find the person