Hey, you. I thought about you today as I was walking my son to school. The path we usually take means we pass most of the sweet homes on our street with the backdrop of the mountains being hugged by the sun. There are flowers everywhere and porches are now kissed by Fall decor. There are days that require driving him to school, but if we get to choose, we always walk. We wave to neighbors along the way. We giggle about silly stuff. This morning was no different, until I smelled the air. It’s still a bit warm for this time of year, but you can smell the season changing. It’s a sweeter, crisper kind of scent. I realized that living here is a dream 30 years in the making. It’s an adventure bookended by two husbands and my biggest fan…my mom. So, did I ever tell you the story of how I ended up in California?
I feel like there are two types of actors, those who want to go East and those who want to go West, I was the latter (yes, of course there are probably actors that desire to go elsewhere, we call them strange?). The iconic pictures of palm trees, actors on red carpets, academy award tear-filled speeches all made my heart sing. Now, I was no fool. I didn’t believe I was going to walk down the street or be hanging out at a mall and suddenly be approached by Steven Spielberg, and poof be an instant sensation. I did believe I would go to a SoCal school, hone my craft and take a shot at having a respectable career. I would probably get homesick from time to time and it would be a lot to navigate on my own but people do it, right? Meanwhile by the time I reached 18, my poor mother was trying to figure out how to serve me a dose of reality without crushing my dreams. My parents divorced and were navigating all that comes with that. I definitely did well in school but not enough to get a full ride in “playing pretend.” We also lived paycheck to paycheck or more like paycheck to “can we borrow some money from someone somewhere,” to even get by to the next paycheck. I held on to my California schools brochures until I was offered a scholarship to an in state university, (well the in state university because we shall not speak of the other one).
College life was…let’s just say..interesting. I don’t need to dwell on this part of the story much. There were things I enjoyed and a lot of things I disliked greatly which worked in my favor, really. It made me double down on getting the hell out of there so I could figure out a way to get to the West.
Once I graduated there were a hosts of new issues. Mostly, how to survive on my own. Most of my close friends got married, moved away and were either making a go at being an actor full time or pivoted to something completely different. I got a job, moved back in with my mom and tried to get my bearings. I did theatre at night which did scratch the ol’ creative itch. I met some great people doing community theatre but was still feeling a little stuck. At this point my eldest brother, Bryon, had chosen the East. He was a triple threat and was living in New York. I had been to New York a couple of times to visit him. I admit I did enjoy the energy. Knowing how I felt about being caught in the middle, the middle of America that is, he invited me to live with him in the big apple. Could I deal with the brutal winters? Could I handle myself amongst all those people? Could I as Alicia Keys put it, “…See my face in lights or my name on marquees found down on Broadway?” Before I could answer any of those questions, the most cliched thing happen to me. It’s the stuff a lot of Hollywood tales are made of. I met a boy or “The Boy”, as I liked to call him. Well…shit.
Was I crazy? My brother was handing me New York on a Bronx platter. Sure there were no palm trees, the weather was iffy and it was known for musicals (which I rarely liked) but there had to be a Law and Order episode just waiting for me, right? The plan was to get through the winter and once New York thawed out, I would head there. In the meantime, I’d continue to do theatre locally when I could, have a fling with the boy and count the days until I got out of there.
It seemed like a solid plan until I realized that I am a mater not a dater. The Boy, or Brad as you’ve read in previous blogs, was not interested in big states like New York or California. He loved being an actor in a smaller community, that was the speed he enjoyed. He encouraged me to go. He didn’t want to be the one to hold me back. I kept to the plan. I started losing sleep. The more we hung out together, the worse I felt. My friend anxiety was also becoming a pain in the ass. It got to the point where I broke down in front of my mother. She listened to me. She held me while I cried and then dropped a bombshell, “I’ve never thought New York was the place for you.” I remember sitting up and looking at her like, “What’s that now?” She said so matter of factly, “You’ve never wanted to go to New York. So many of your friends left and are doing their own thing and you feel stuck. I’m not saying you can’t go to New York, but that’s where Bryon wanted to be. I think you’re running in the wrong direction. I think you need to get still and really think about what you want to do.” Now up until this point my mother had never said anything contrary to my plan. She just supported me and gave me space to make my own decisions, which is what is so great about her. What’s even better is her wisdom and how clearly she’s always seen her children.
Stillness is exactly what I needed to do. I chose Brad. We didn’t move to a coastal state but we did move to a bigger one. We moved to Texas (everything is bigger in Texas). We had a full life together. We enjoyed each other’s families. We had the best group of friends. We had a daughter together. We fought dark times together. I made the right choice. I was content. Once he got sick, we made the choice to move back to Oklahoma. It’s where he wanted to be if he should die from the disease he had, which is eventually what happened. We loved each other fully. I never expected to know love like that. I was heartbroken but I was incredibly grateful. Then another cliched thing happened to me, “Enter the dame..er the sir, I guess.”
Peter, my current husband, came along (yes, there is stuff that happened in between obviously, but that part of the story is being told in a different way to be explained at a later date). He didn’t really come along. Brad, Peter and I had all known each other for years. Peter was a native Oklahoman as well but left shortly after Brad and I moved to Texas. We all stayed connected though. Peter was still living elsewhere when we started dating. You guessed it, he was living in California. We knew we couldn’t remain in a long distance relationship forever. We had to decide where to live. Should I go there when so much of my life was cultivated around Oklahoma and Texas? After all, this time the decision didn’t just involve me. I had a four year old to now think about. I had a bit of an internal meltdown, again, and who was there to drop words of wisdom (and the mic)? Yep, my momma. She said to me, “Of course it’s California. You’ve always wanted to live on the West Coast. That’s where you wanted to go to college. That’s where you’ve always wanted to perform. That’s where you should go.”
I know this will sound weird to you, but by that point in my life I had forgotten about California. Not in the sense that I didn’t fantasize about the Oscar speech or doing movies and TV, but that was just daydream stuff. I forgot I wanted to go to college there. When my mom said that, it was if she snapped her fingers and suddenly I remembered the era BB (before Brad).
I chose California. That swell in my heart this morning was remembering how I got here. Bradley wasn’t just a stepping stone. At my acting studio, when we analyze a script our teacher always asks us, “what would be missing if this scene wasn’t here?” If that chapter of my life was taken out, everything would be missing. It had to occur at that time because he didn’t have a lot of time.
It was as if when the three of us met, the Universe came to me and said, “Listen, you can go where you want to go now, or experience love in two ways that will change you forever.” So, I chose love. What the Universe didn’t tell me is that in doing so, I’d end up in the place of my dreams anyway.
Ain’t life grand?
Brad and Peter in the early years.
**Everything I write comes from my personal insights and has all the drippings of my opinions, biases, and what-nots. Rather than come for me with facts or judgements to contradict my said opinions, biases and what-nots, I’d rather you find a different blog that makes you happy. If you find these posts therapeutic or helpful in anyway that means we connected and it’s all I can ask for, however I’m not a therapist nor a coach. I’m just a writer floating words out there hoping they find the person they are intended for.